Time to fly.....

A little more than 18 years ago, this scared 16 year old gave birth to a sweet little, baby boy.  I wondered how in the world we would make it and what would we do.  I didn't know how or what, but I knew we would get through it together.  That sweet little boy gave me the motivation to make our life better and not just be a negative statistic.  He deserved better and I deserved better.  I will be the first to admit, I did not do such a hot job the first couple of years.  We got off to a rough start.  I had to find my direction.  There were many times that I felt like giving up, but I would look into those precious eyes and they kept me going. 

18 years have come and gone and it is time for him to graduate high school.  I can't believe it is time already.  He has made me more proud than I could possibly have imagined.  No, he is no straight A student, nor is he some star athlete, but that's not who he is.  I am proud of who he is.  Now he is in no way, shape or form, perfect.  And he is like his mom, when he messes up, he messes up big.  No small little mess ups for him.  If you're going to do it, do it big, right?  At the same time, like his mom, he has learned from those poor decisions.  He has grown.  I have had the privilege of watching him grow, not only in size but as a person.  He still has quite a bit of growing to do, but I am just so proud of the young man that he has become.  I look forward to watching him take these new steps in life.  

Now the hard part comes.  In about a month, he will graduate.  He will have huge life decisions right around the corner.  He has always been right under my wing for me to help him.  It is almost time for him to test out his own wings.  We have been preparing for this flight for 18 years, but now that the time is almost here, I realize that I am not ready for it.  Did I do enough?  Have I taught him what he needs to know?  How will he make it?  Have those decision making skills improved?  It is so scary watching them grow and even scarier when they're grown.  

God gave me a true blessing 18 years ago.  When many people thought it was a tragedy, I knew it was a treasure.  God gave me this great responsibility to raise this sweet little baby, and although I thought I was alone in the beginning, I now know that I never was.  God has been with us every step of the way.  I am proud of the job that we have done.  The blessing that this child has been is indescribable.  So my sweet baby boy, Tyler, it is almost time for you to spread those wings and soar.  The sky is the limit and when you feel the warmth of the sun, know that I am so close and that God is guiding you.  Know that because of you, I am forever Blessed Beyond Measure. 

Parenting hurts!

I remember when I use to get in trouble and my parents would say, "This hurts me more than it hurts you."  I never believed that, but I do now.  I hate having to get onto my kids, any of them.  My little girls are in that learning, exploring stage.  Sometimes they need a little redirection and at their age, they are easy to redirect.  My purpose for this post, though, is for the one that is not so easy to redirect, my 18 year old.

I had him when I was 16 and it was he and I against the world.  I promised him that we would not be part of some negative statistic, so I was very strict on him as a little boy.  He was the sweetest child that I have ever seen, including my girls.  He had the biggest, most generous heart.  As he got older and became a teenager, he became more and more materialistic (which I take some responsibility for).  Because of that, he got into a little trouble, and he saw that I don't just talk the talk.  I am a tough love mama.  I know that his heart never changed, he just needed some redirecting.  Redirecting a teenager is MUCH harder on the parents than it is on the kid.  They go around mad at you and they can stay that way for a long time.  They also have a life and you, as parent, hate to cut them off from that.  Yes, I would say that parenting a teenager is THE hardest thing that I have ever had to do.  I will let you in on a little secret........the discipline part is not the hardest part of it.  As hard as that is, it is actually the easiest part. 

Teenagers bring a whole new light to worrying.  You worry about them constantly.  They start high school, you worry.   They start driving, you worry.  They start dating, you worry.  They get ready to graduate high school, you worry.  Of those, you think of driving as the scariest and it is at first, at least the physical harm that can come from being reckless. It is scary!! No doubt!!  The more independent they become, the harder your heart beats, the darker it gets at night.  You wait for the phone to ring, praying it won't. Then with dating, you worry about pregnancy.  Oh how I didn't want him to be a teen parent.  Talk about hard!  And I didn't want to be a grandma at 32.  Thank God, I made it past 32 and that didn't happen.  

Here's the kicker, the one that gets you in the gut......their first break up from their first love.  Good grief!  I know that when my heart was broken by my first love I thought that I was going to DIE! (And it happened twice!)  That is nothing compared to watching your baby boy's heart breaking.  NOTHING!  It is heartbreaking for me, as a parent, because I grew to love her too.  I know that it is growing pains and not everyone marries their first love, but it is awful to watch.  I know that they will both grow from this and learn and hopefully both come out better on the other side.  First loves are special and they will look back on each other one day, although no time soon I'm sure, and have a special connection and bond.  It is a special memory.  It is all part of growing up.  No matter what, even though they may not think so now, they have a friend for life.  I do not look forward to going through this with my girls.  Maybe they will be like their daddy.  He married his first love, me.  It's so hard for him to relate because he didn't go through all that "losing your first love" stuff.  He doesn't really get it.  I tell him how lucky he is to not have had to go through it, but some days I wish he had experienced some of it so he could be more compassionate with them about it.  I guess I will be the expert on the situation for my kids.  So for now, I will just continue to pray for my sweet boy and his first love.  I know that I am glad to have experienced the things that I have so that I can be a voice of reason for him.  I wouldn't change any of it.  I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I just wish I could tell him that life gets easier, but I don't lie to him.  

As life gets harder and decisions get more difficult, I know that I am blessed beyond measure that that sweet young man, my son, knows that he can call on me anytime.  He knows that I may be a tough love kind of mom, but my love for him is Beyond Measure.